Young Adult

After watching the movie Young Adult, I cannot help but feel guilt deep inside my heart and I feel that I must write about it in the hopes to get it out.

Charlize Theron plays a woman who goes back to her small town in the hopes of getting back her old flame who just happened to have a new baby girl. She believes that they were meant to be together and that she will help him out of his very unhappy life. At the same time she meets another student from highschool who she never noticed during their time in school; he wasn't good enough her to notice him.

Within the movie, she ends up literally going crazy, and while most of the people feel sorry for her, there is a part of her that is still that cool girl from highschool, the pretty girl that is Finally paying attention to the "losers in school."

I never spent much time in highschool, I was too busy skipping class or trying to spend time with older people. But I did surround myself with those who I knew (whether I am worthy or not) they believed I was "out of their league". I used this to my advantage to glean as much attention and praise that I could.

I do not think that I would ever go crazy over someone, I prefer them going crazy for me. But I do go after the married man, whether they are happy or not. I make sure they seek me out first, I would never make the first move on someone in a relationship. However, taking a person away from their relationship is merely not enough for me. I am not a person to say no to multiple people giving me attention. I do everything I can to make the others around me happy. I suppose it is not proper to say, but I am good at it, and it comes as naturally to me as breathing does. I believe in the language of the heart and soul as J'kar has said. It is the heart and soul that I feed off of. It is the heart and soul I need, I crave, I yearn for.

When Theron finally does sleep with her "lesser" friend someone in the room asked why she would do such a thing; how quickly I was able to respond, because that is what a girl in distress does. She finds the one person who will take her with all of her flaws and still worship her as the goddess she knows she is. As he said in the movie, "men like us were born worshiping women like you" or something to very close.

I can find the men who will worship me no matter the cost to them. I pray on them as a spider in web. She may not eat her fly right away but she will. Perhaps there is a reason why I hate spiders, I see too much of myself in them. Reflection is never fun.

What is worse after this confession I know I will not stop. Perhaps some of you will only see me as a woman who will use a man for money. To be completely honest, I am terrible at this. But to take a man's soul from him...that is something I am quite capable of doing, and I cannot see an end to it. I just hope for those whom I use, I am able to make even happier so they feel that it was worth being used.

Forgive me.

What Do I Truly Need In A Partner?

When I first started blogging once again, this blog was supposed to be a creative outlet for my life. I had broken up with my mostly on (but sometimes off again) married boyfriend, and I felt as though I needed to let go of all of the energy, pain, hurt, sorry, and joy that came with the breaking of that relationship.

I had stated that this relationship was a toxic one to me, and on many accounts I truly believe it was and always will be. The constant reminders that I am merely a ghost in his life is something I must continually fight against. As I have recently realized and have come to accept, I am an attention whore. I do not like being in the spotlight, but I need to have someone to communicate with at all times (preferably not in person, I have learned I can only tollerate people's co-existing in my space for short periods of time). Through text and or email is what I prefer.

I think about all of my favourite relationships and they are mostly through the cyber world. Constant emails going back and forth, streams of texts: learning of their day, their thoughts, and ideas. I love this. I crave this. Unfortunately for me, these past few months, I have decided to date someone who gives me none of this and I must admit it was driving me crazy.

After begging, pleading and threatening my lover to spend more energy communicating with me via various devices (our schedules do not mix very well and so we can only see each other once or twice a week), I gave in to temptation and I began forming my relationship with my ex once more. Slowly, my spark of life started to come back to me.

This is not to say that he and I did not go through the usual fights of "how could you", "how dare you", "I mean nothing to you but a body to fuck"...but we made it through. We worked out our issues and seem to be on a good track once again.

What I didn't notice was the change in me that others saw. Lately I have been working with a new girl, a fiery, spunky, sparky Roman solider and Empress named Kandis. Every day she would come in and I would think, I wish I had her joie de vivre. One day, after receiving my amazing Illusionist locket, she was now the one to say "Ivy, I have never seen you so jazzed up before". The truth was out. My ex had brought my life back to me - or as we now call him to differentiate him from my boyfriend, my man-friend.(did I mention my locket?)

One thing I have always loved about my ex, is that he has accepted and also helps and encourages my work. To most this probably doesn't seem like a good idea..."he is encouraging you to sell your body?" Well, you know what, a job is a job. I happen to like and be somewhat okay at selling my body for companionship and I like that he understands that.

Having met me through my work, he has a full understanding of what I do and how I do it. Continually he sees girls while we are broken up, and the working girl mentality ideas are reinforced. Unlike one girl I know who just told her boyfriend, my ex, realizes that I am not passionately making out with strangers, or having wild and crazy threesomes. My line of work is rather boring.

So here I go, jumping in with both feet, enjoying his company with all my heart.

What Do I Truly Need In A Partner