This past week hs been quite hard on me mentally. Last week, my boyfriend and I were fighting, and he said to me, "how can you just give away what is mine?" I thought, I can see his point, but I truly cannot explain why it is that I disagree with him. I then turned it around on him and said you haven't asked why I do it. However, he called me on my bluff and I couldn't give him a reason past, the money.
Even as I claimed the money was the only reason, I knew deep down, that this wasn't the answer. A new question began to grow in my head...why do I do what I do? Why have I been doing for so many years?
After becoming consumed by this question, I had to turn to an old friend, and after stalling for many hours he simply said: because you're good at it. To me this seemed almost right. Not exactly, but close enough. I am good at my job. I have always known that people do not perceive me as anything other than something sexual, at first. Men, women, whether they mean to or not, what I gather from them, is their are sizing me up sexually. (Or maybe I am just projecting, and that is what I am doing them, and thus believe they must be to me). Either way, sex, chemistry, biology, physics, all come into play. My instincts have become so strong I barely notice when I do size someone up, but I can always feel when a person does it to me.
Like I said though, that wasn't an exact answer. Money, yes. Because it is my talent, definitely. But more than that, because I feel as though I am doing something worth while.
I had a client come in for 15 mins. I cannot tell you how much I hate 15mins. I find men who only wish to see me for that short amount of time to be rather rude. I am not worth anything more than 15 mins....you don't want to get to know me, you don't want me to know you, just get it over with. (Yes, I know that is why I am here, but somehow it just feels rude to me). In any case., it was a very awkward session. I didn't know how to move on top with him, he wouldn't let me move...but after...there was such a thankfulness about him, and I knew instantly, that is why I do it.
My boyfriend also asked me, either the clients really like me, and thus he hates this, or if they don't like me, then they are just using me...and this he hates even more. How can I put myself in a situation where the men disrespect me so much. I have felt that sometimes they like me too much, and I do not know if I have ever felt disrespected...but I knew there is a middle.
It is the middle class that usually comes to see me. Just as I have boundaries and rules, the men do too. They do not like me or dislike me. They are pleased. Content maybe. I am nothing but someone who is providing a service that they need and cannot seem to find some place else. And once the session is over, there is a sense of relief, of happiness....a sense that now the world wont end. This is the reason why I do it. I do not feel as though I am liked any more than the girl walking down the street, but I do feel as though I have changed the course of someones day. Just becase I sit here for hours on end, doing the samething over and over, does not mean, that they, are having the same experience. For them, the experience will rate on a scale of memorable or not, but because they don't do it multiple times a day, they do not have that same droness about them, that I do. There is a sense of happiness behind a wall that I love. I do. I love hearing the words, "thank you" and to hear the breath exhale in a wave, knowing that I did something right. I may not think I did anything. I truly am lost as to the service I provide, but I do know that there is something there, and That is why I stay with this work.
