The Chicken or The Egg? Which Came First?

Sitting on the bus today, I could not believe how stupid I have been with men. No, I shouldn’t say that. I do not believe how I, feminist, advocate of women's pleasure, advocate of sex, has allowed myself to be stupid with  myself.

When I was just a little girl, I decided that I was going to play the game of sex better than any man out there. I don't think I have ever been entirely sure of what that meant, but I do know that it would mean that I was not going to cry everytime I slept with a man if he didn’t call. I would not care if he called or not because to me the reward would not have been him calling; the reward would have or should have happened during our moment together (that's hoping he knows what he is doing).

As it turned out, I could not get rid of the men I slept with, even when I was convinced by fucking them right away, it was a sure way way to getting rid of them. Somehow they did not teach me in highschool: it is highschool boys that will not call you back if you fuck them too soon. However, the the older the man gets, and the quicker you fuck him, the more likely of a chance he has of calling you back.

For some reason many people have been telling me since the age of 14 that I woud always be in non-monogamous relationships. Personally I do not know why they held such beliefs as I, myself did not believe their ideas. I kept wondering to myself, had I had more pride in myself, would I still have ended up where I did? Working seemed like such a natural progression for me. Sex has always been a part of my life, even when I had it become physical. It wasn’t the act that I was interested in, but everything around it. I was always curious about the intereactions of men and women. So, I do not think of me becoming a ‘working girl’ as something that only happened because bad things happened to me. By the time I had made my choice to be a working girl, nothing bad had ever happened to me, and the evolutionary process of what was becoming my counscious life, my choice seemed logical.

After wondering if there were other trauma's in my life that caused me to make the choices I had, it wasn't until I was speaking with a friend of mine, someone with whom I work with, I learned (I should have remembered) that there is always more than one way to de-clothe a girl. She had started out as a very prim and proper housewife. Later, with a new partner in her life, she discovered, she wanted to pursue a life where ‘swinging’ was a part of their lifestyle together as a couple. It wasn't her job that started her desire to swing, it was the swinging that allowed her to even consider her job.

This made me feel better. I realized that it wasn’t because I have always chosen men who would take advantage of me that I become a red light district girl, but it was the fact that I had learned to close myself off (by the tender age of 10) and had no one to teach me to open up which enabled me to put myself into situations where I was emotionally and physically abused by lovers. This could also make sense as to why I feel so much more liked by my clients, because rarely do my clients ever push my boundaries. Nor do they ever try and push for services after I have said no. I have also learned to say no, which is another very important difference between my working life and my personal life. 

I do not know why this makes me feel better. But it does. It makes me realize that it is not broken girls (or only somewhat) broken girls who are able to become prostitutes. You see, one must be able to close themselves up from their lovers in order for them to not have their souls ripped from them.

I have a feeling that this goes for both men and women. Many women I know say there is no way that they could become prostitutes. Why, because they cannot just give themselves up to so someone unknown to them. They have not learned how to put up walls and block off their heart, because when you do give  yourself to a stranger/client like you normally would in your real life, and they leave after you do feel as though a part of you, a part of your soul has been taken. As for men, many men feel they cannot see a professional because they like the women I know do not know how to block themselves off from giving too much to their provider and thus end up feeling used.

However, I digress. The point of this post was to prove to myself that I was able to make the choice to become a working girl not because I was broken, but because at one point I was whole. The real question is, why did I feel I could not say no, even when I wanted to. Or why did men take advantage of me? Why did I not see them as taking advantage of me?