Why I do What I do

This past week hs been quite hard on me mentally. Last week, my boyfriend and I were fighting, and he said to me, "how can you just give away what is mine?" I thought, I can see his point, but I truly cannot explain why it is that I disagree with him. I then turned it around on him and said you haven't asked why I do it. However, he called me on my bluff and I couldn't give him a reason past, the money.

Even as I claimed the money was the only reason, I knew deep down, that this wasn't the answer. A new question began to grow in my head...why do I do what I do? Why have I been doing for so many years?

After becoming consumed by this question, I had to turn to an old friend, and after stalling for many hours he simply said: because you're good at it. To me this seemed almost right. Not exactly, but close enough. I am good at my job. I have always known that people do not perceive me as anything other than something sexual, at first. Men, women, whether they mean to or not, what I gather from them, is their are sizing me up sexually. (Or maybe I am just projecting, and that is what I am doing them, and thus believe they must be to me). Either way, sex, chemistry, biology, physics, all come into play. My instincts have become so strong I barely notice when I do size someone up, but I can always feel when a person does it to me.

Like I said though, that wasn't an exact answer. Money, yes. Because it is my talent, definitely. But more than that, because I feel as though I am doing something worth while.

I had a client come in for 15 mins. I cannot tell you how much I hate 15mins. I find men who only wish to see me for that short amount of time to be rather rude. I am not worth anything more than 15 mins....you don't want to get to know me, you don't want me to know you, just get it over with. (Yes, I know that is why I am here, but somehow it just feels rude to me). In any case., it was a very awkward session. I didn't know how to move on top with him, he wouldn't let me move...but after...there was such a thankfulness about him, and I knew instantly, that is why I do it.

My boyfriend also asked me, either the clients really like me, and thus he hates this, or if they don't like me, then they are just using me...and this he hates even more. How can I put myself in a situation where the men disrespect me so much. I have felt that sometimes they like me too much, and I do not know if I have ever felt disrespected...but I knew there is a middle.

It is the middle class that usually comes to see me. Just as I have boundaries and rules, the men do too. They do not like me or dislike me. They are pleased. Content maybe. I am nothing but someone who is providing a service that they need and cannot seem to find some place else. And once the session is over, there is a sense of relief, of happiness....a sense that now the world wont end. This is the reason why I do it. I do not feel as though I am liked any more than the girl walking down the street, but I do feel as though I have changed the course of someones day. Just becase I sit here for hours on end, doing the samething over and over, does not mean, that they, are having the same experience. For them, the experience will rate on a scale of memorable or not, but because they don't do it multiple times a day, they do not have that same droness about them, that I do. There is a sense of happiness behind a wall that I love. I do. I love hearing the words, "thank you" and to hear the breath exhale in a wave, knowing that I did something right. I may not think I did anything. I truly am lost as to the service I provide, but I do know that there is something there, and That is why I stay with this work.

Thank you For My Friends

Dear Universe,
When I was a little girl, I was taught that everything that comes from the Earth goes back to the Earth. Karma is the same way. So, I have made it a habit in my life, to ensure that I say my thanks or my peace or get my anger off of my chest as soon as possible. To me, having a regret...wishing you would have said something sooner, is something I refuse to have in my life.

Tonight, I think I have had the best time not only at work, but almost at any point in my life. I am not saying that being at work with Katharina, Justice, Raven and myself takes the place of really important loving moments between a past/present lover, but it has built a new column for itself. I have never felt comfortable around girls. Steinbeck said that it is a girl's sexual essence that is what keeps some women away from others. According to Chrissy/Hailey, it is he fact that we do not play mind games and thus we interrupt what other women are "teaching" their men to do. I have no explanation for this phenomena. In the past, I have felt at home with certain girls, especially where I work now. I have felt not welcomed, but accepted for who I am. But with Katharina, Justice, and Raven, I feel as though I have found other women just like myself. We have the same quirks, we have the same giggly nature. We enjoy and dislike similar things. The union that we share, maybe will only last one or two more nights and eventually one will move away. However, until then, Universe, I am so very grateful and thankful that you have allowed all of them to come into my life. Especially all together, boy do we have fun. I was coming out of session, as was Justice and Katharina and I couldn't help it. I needed to take a photo, a photo of the perfect night at work. A photo of the perfect co-workers. A photo of some women who I feel so close, safe, and important to and with. A photo to always remind me that I am never alone, no matter how odd I am. My troubles are not just my own but their are shared by many, and if I am lucky enough one day, I will be able to share my fears and joys with them in the distant future.

Chrissy said that to love someone is to make an active choice. One doesn't just "fall" into love, one has control. One can tell, alright from now on, I know that I will love you, and one takes steps to ensure the love grows or is snipped in the bud. Right now, I am choosing to love all of you. I am choosing to keep all of you in my heart. I am choosing to say thank you for making me feel loved and special just for being the strange idealist girl that I am. I LOVE YOU.

Dear Universe, thank you for making me the luckiest girl in the world. Thank you for giving me such wonderful friends. Thank you for sending me people who are willing to help me through any trouble, through any hardship and doubt. And thank you, thank you, for sending me people who can make me laugh and who in return I can love with all of my heart.

Your grateful subject and humble servant,
Ivy

Confidence - The Lap Dance

Ever since I was a little girl, I have always contemplated what a lap dance was...why men wanted it. How to give it, etc. Having been trained in dance, to me, when doing a dance, it involves a fair amount of work - a proper routine - and this is what I would want with a lap dance too. However, I am pretty sure, that spinning around and around is not exactly what the man had in mind when he was coming to me for a lap dance.

I watched Carmen Electra's video on the  lap dance, and she didn't do a routine of lap dance, but sexy chair dance that was away from the man. To me this makes sense, but then it isn't a lap dance, is it? (Who knew this topic could get so complicated). What did not help me at all with Electra's work was that it was sooo boring. Perhaps the man wouldn't mind seeing 4 of the same moves repeatedly, but I would mind doing them. I am sure my entertainment factor, would play a large one in this activity. If I am bored, he is bored. If he is bored I am bored. But back to the actual act of the dance...where do you start? Far away? On a chair? On top of him right away. One man told me, grind your ass on him until he goes insane...but you can't just start with that, can you?

In any case, having worked in the sex industry I have learned a few things. One, if you have a tight body, you make more money. If you don't have a toned body, you still make money. If you have a bigger ass, you make money on different type of men. For every girl out there there is a man out there who wants to fuck her.

Determined to figure this lap dance thing out, I decided to watch a video on the internet. It apparently was taken off of youtube for being too "pornographic". It is a brilliant video. http://vimeo.com/23000356
After watching only 25 seconds of it, I realized I do not have the confidence to do any of those moves, and she hadn't even come close to taking her clothes off! What is wrong with me!

I am  a whore. I love being a whore. Men want me. All different types of men. Men worship my big ass and legs. They tell me that I am from a Renaissance painting constantly. They tell me that my shape IS what a woman should look like. From every boyfriend even in the first few times we have sex, I am the best they have ever had, or in the top two for head. I have spent years building up a repertoire of how to please men. How to be coy. How to stay silent, and how to just jabber on to make a person more comfortable. But there is something about bending over a person, sticking my ass out  at a 90 degree angle and having my hands slooooowly move up and down the man's thigh, that just freaks me out. It is too close. It is too intimate. It is too sexy. I have come to sadly realize, I am cute, not sex. *sigh*

I have learned that grace and sexiness are not two qualities that I possess. I posses crudeness, politeness, and openness. To tease, toy, play, I can't and don't ever do these things even with men I love or want to. My shyness kicks into full gear. I don't even shower with them for god's sake!

Through this exploration of my desire to figure out a lap dance, I have learned two things. 1) I know why I am fascinated by it. There is so much intimacy I just cannot comprehend it. 2) Again it is all about closeness, and togetherness and openness. Sex is only one part of it. It is about one person, coming and going, teasing, playing, touching, and getting into another soul to make the lap dancee to feel wanted, paid attention to, and special.

To Be A Whore: What Does That Mean?

I have been planning this post for days now. In my head it was supposed to be quirky and fun, but instead, I have a feeling it will be a little on the down side.

The other day, I had a very, very sweet client. We got along, he seemed interested in me (even though he fell asleep in the middle of me talking), but one thing struck me as very odd. He was a bigger man, pure body builder. Someone whom one would expect to see on Jersey Shore, covered in big tattoos. As I was asking him the significance and importance of each tattoo, he stopped in the middle and said, I am not a gangster if that is what you are thinking. I am no gangster (even though I have a diamond covered Rolex, their anniversary watch). It never occurred to me to think of him as one. But, either he was trying to hide that fact, or because of the way he looked, he had been mistaken for one more than once. (I couldn't tell if a person was a gangster even if they had a sign attached to them saying, "I am a gangster").

In any case, he then asked me what drugs I was into, and I said I don't do drugs. It took me three times to convince him that I do not do drugs. Knowing myself, I do not feel I look like the type of person who does drugs, but according to my job description, I apparently am supposed do them. If I didn't know better, I think it was a disappointment for him to find out that I was not the *stereotypical* massage girl.

Thinking about that these past few days, my new boyfriend told me that every day he thinks of ending our relationship. However, he could only do that when he sees me face to face (bravo to him) and as soon as he sees me, everything just feels right and he can't do it. To me, I have heard and said these very words many times before. But, for my ex an I, we were great friends, best friends, a perfect pair that way, but as a couple, completely toxic. I couldn't stand being invisible in his life and he couldn't stand me being so needy. But to hear it from someone whom I have only been seeing for a month really took the breath from my lungs and heart. I asked him, why would he wish to break up with me all the time. He said, this is crazy, I am dating a prostitute who is moving to X in a few months. Why would I stay. I pointed out to him that he only has dated girls who leave in much less time that I am staying so we know that isn't what the issue is. Which brings me to another comment that he made to me. "How can you stand hurting the ones you love by hurting yourself this way."

Close friends of his have been known to have problems with drugs or other self harming behaviour, and to him my job is one of those. Granted, this conversation came at a time when I told him horror stories of pimps. But that being said, try as I may, no matter how hard I try I cannot envision my job -the place I work in, the people I work for, the people I work with -  as a self-harming world. All of my close friends have supported me saying that they couldn't do it, but I am different and as long as I am safe and careful and do not get killed, who are they to judge me. Most of my boyfriends have gotten off to the very idea of other men fucking me, especially if they know that I am in discomfort from a large cock.

Watching part of the movie Easy A, this young girl has lead everyone to believe that she will have sex with people for money. When a young man asks her out and tries to pay her with a gift card to Home Depot (always get cash honey, no gift cards dumbass) -ahem- she runs away crying. God how I know how that feels although, I had taken the Cash  for the act. The problem was, my reality and everything that I had been taught clashed. Everything in society - what my parents had taught me, what my friends and I had debated, all told me - I should feel horrible for sleeping with a man for money. But instead, I felt sexy. I could not believe how beautiful he made me feel, how special he made me feel, how well he treated me. Not to mention how much money I had made, doing something that I was going to do anyways, with some older man who was just going to fall asleep after. But instead of having to stay for a ride home, I could afford a taxi and not rely on the sleeping ugly laying next to me.

So back to my client not believing I do drugs, and to my boyfriend who secretly wants to break up with me and who thinks that I damage myself. I purposely put myself in situations where I do not have to deal with drugs. I do not like drugs and most girls I work with and know, do not like drugs either. Just because I sell my body for money (I personally see no difference between me and a receptionist who is selling her time and body to do other chores) does not mean that I hurt myself. I may not love my job, but my job likes me. I have to keep myself in good health mentally, physically and spiritually, because if I do not, I Cannot do my job properly and safely. Everyone wants to get a little extra and I have to make sure that one of us is aware enough to ensure the safety for those who are waiting for us back home. I am not a bulimic or an anorexic or an addict (except for attention). My job not only allows me to survive, it allows me to flourish. It allows me to take care of my friends, help them out with their rent, or take them out to nice dinners or help them pay  tuition.

I have lived my life with an addict, and her behaviour and my behaviour in my eyes (and perhaps I am completely biased) are different. When I tell my friend the addict that I cannot sit around her when she is performing her addiction, she has literally told me to leave her house. She has pawned me off to other people, and she has made me feel guilty for not wanting to share in her experience. I tell people right off the bat about my immoral lifestyle, it is their choice to be around me. If they do, my actions, my words, my life story, should be enough to convince them that I do not do drugs, that I do not with to hurt myself in any way, and that I do not wish to hurt anyone around me. How is my work any different than a man sleeping around with as many women as possible. Would my boyfriend have told me he didn't want to be my friend if I were a man who was trying to sleep with every women he came into contact with? Probably not. But until I find a job or a reason to stop being told how perfect I am and how beautiful, how angelic, how I look like I just walked out of a painting...until I find some way to make my dreams come to life, to ensure that my dreams come true (unlike some who say they want to do x, y and z but never do) how am I suppose to apologize for my work? How can I make people understand that from the hours of my shift, I sleep with men for money, after that, I do not. I have no interest in it. All I want to do, is go home, curl up with my cat, read a book and watch a movie.

The Internet: Gives Us Courage

Lately I have been trying to start a little side business where I work independently. However, this takes a lot of time in order to put out advertising and also to respond to people. What I forgot about when I used to do this, was how demanding people can be over the internet.

Number one question: Send more pics. No please or thank you. Or you seem beautiful, I would love to see more. Just straight up, give me more pictures. I wonder how other girls deal with this question? Do they give in? Do you they not? It seems so rude to me. They want to see you in every which possible way via the anonymity of the internet, yet they not only have no curtsey to give back, but they Demand it.

However, my favourite demand by far is "I want you to be 199% DD free." I couldn't help but laugh at this. I wrote back saying, why don't I get to be 300% or 1000% free. Or as one girl put it, just like the Occupy Movement didn't say, do I get to be the 1%?

After writing back to the potential client a little tersely, that just because he demands it, does not change the state of my health. Just because he said, I want you to be DD free, does not change the fact that I cannot look down at my body and say, body, you must be healthy for this guy. Whatever diseases you have for the next 24 hours, you must get rid of them, and then they can come back, I promise. After telling another girl about this email, she said, jokingly, I have only had chlamydiae in my ear..does that count?

The lack of personal contact I believe makes people far too cocky for their own good sometime. As I also do sub work, and advertise for that very purpose, I have a lot of men thinking that their role as Master and Dominant starts in the very first email they send. I get very long emails explaining all of the different physical pleasures that I will provide for them (most of them being unsafe). When I write back saying, I do not take demands from people I know, they seem completely baffled at this. I can picture they thinking, you sub, me Master, you do as Master says...? But the whole point of being a sub and a Master is knowing how intricate the relationship is. How much of it is based on trust and building that trust out of mutual respect and common interests shared by both parties.

The point of this little rant is, if responding to an email, please do so as if you were having a conversation with a person who was hiding behind a screen. They are still there, they are still human, and respect is the very first thing needed when two people first encounter each other, whether in person or on the internet.

Morals and Ethics

When I first began working, I had lost a very good friend of mine because of my choice. I figured that was her choice, and her right, to decide if she wanted to be friends with me or not, and because of my choice of work, she obviously didn't want to associate with "riff raff". Unlike many of the people whom I have met in this industry, I was lucky enough to have friends that cared about me no matter what I did. So long as I kept myself safe they turned a blind eye to my misgivings about the ways in which I chose to generate income.

Darin Barney writes in his lecture titled One Nation Under Google states that the word moral in everyday use "refers to behaviour that conforms to some abstract community standard, perhaps vaguely religious in origin and sexual in its target, while ethtical refers to something like uprightness or integrity in individual conduct, or adherence to some sort of professional code." I guess this is why my friend decided to end our friendship because she felt that I was not being moral and not conforming to what society says is appropriate.

This brings me to a conversation I had with a girl I work with. We were discussing how men would try and haggle the price down, and her point was, this is my body I am sharing with you. Do you not realize that it is my body. If this goes then I have nothing else. Why would you try and belittle me by trying to pay me less than what is fair? I tried to push the point to the rest of the girls that if our bodies go, we do have other ways of making an income...we could work in factories or something else. However, in my mind, being chained to a factory table, and losing one's eye sight or not getting enough sunlight because of one's work settings seems to be a worse trade off. To commit suicide over the making of Ipad's to me seems much more serious than having some ignorant and rude man try and haggle the price for my cunt. That being said, I was over ruled by the girls at work and they all said that what we have to offer is more precious than what a seamstress has to give in a clothing shop.

Perhaps the general thread of this posting isn't quite clear yet, but it is about what is write and what is wrong. And the main point I wish to argue is, is prostitution right or wrong? How did it become immoral to sell sex? How did it become illegal to sell one's body by choice. In ancient civilizations, a woman was supposed to sell her body in a particular temple at one time in her life, to give this sacred union for money. I don't know if I could even begin to imagine why this was, but it shows that prostitution wasn't always deemed immoral. But what I do find interesting, is how history is filled with tales of older men taking on younger boys as toys and as proteges and yet what takes place between a man and a women is only whispered about in the back.

In the movie Young People Fucking it shows the different reasons, ways and types of sex there is out there. Can exchanging sex for money not just be another one of those categories? Yet when I say this, and I think about men who come and only see me for 15mins, and how I hate them because, I feel that they are not giving me the time I deserve and they are only thinking about their penis and their cash. I personally feel, it is not worth my time, body, or sanity to see clients for anything less than half an hour. However, most of the girls I work with feel the exact opposite. So how can I judge for them what is right or wrong or what should be allowed to do with their bodies.

Do I feel as though I am being immoral? No. I think everyone else in society hasn't woken up and listened to their bodies. Some people can have random sex, others cannot. But now that we have the technology to not only provide safety for the most part from sexually transmitted disease as well as pregnancy, why shouldn't women start to act like men and look for it wherever they want? Many women say that we have to teach our sisters that they do not have to sell sex, and when I read this, all I can think of is we as humans revolve around positive or negative reinforcement. If our boyfriends do well by bringing us chocolates and flowers or taking us out, they know that in return we will want to have sex with them. If they do something bad, we will kick them out of our bed and make them sleep on the couch. Perhaps I am mental but to me this is no different than me deciding to reinforce the idea that I like money and I can easily deal with putting out sex for a few mins. It isn't going to be mind blowing sex, it isn't going to be romantic and wonderful. It will probably  only mediocre, but for a certain time, I will allow my body to help bring him to orgasm. Maybe in the sense of morality this is wrong, but then why don't I feel bad? Why do most of the men who see me, or others not feel bad? Are we broken? Probably not. It probably just means that I share a different ideal of what a community should be about. It just means that I can understand that there are so many faces and facades to sex that this one, the one I sell, does not bother me in the slightest. Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have sinned because I believe what I do is not sinful.

My Come Back - Proper Etiquette

I have finally broken up with my bf of too many years, but by doing so, I have lost the one person I can openly rant, laugh, cry and most of all complain to about my work. So, here I am, about to reveal some truths probably better left unsaid in the mysterious world of whoring... What I find odd about the world of sex, from pornstars, hookers, strippers and even the harem, people believe that we who are in it, are there only to please you; to give your every whim without thought. How wrong people are when it comes to this, for example: a client (a most annoying one) said to me in session, I'll make you a pro at blowjobs by the end of our time together. The only thing I could think of was, why on earth should I care about pleasing you? I am there to be a vessel to help you orgasm, but since you are a stranger why would I spend the time to give you exactly what you desire? The emotional toll of such an act is much higher than most realize. The reason why services are mechanical is because of the emotional toll on the provider is not worth the small fee you are providing. The secret to getting what you want, is quite simple: Kindness. It doesnt matter if you're not wealthy, there are many ways to be kind. Conversation is huge. Making a connection, finding coomon threads in each others life. Or give her a long deep massage or lightly tickle her. Remember, you choose her, she doesn't choose you. The onus is up to you now to Help break the ice. Help do that and you've already won half the battle. That being said, everyone loves being tipped for exceptional service. You Tip waitresses and delivery boys, why not the person who helps you to escape the world and relax. Flowers, jewels, cash, chocolates etc. all is appreciated more than you know. In our world, the world hateswhores because we are wrong, or immoral, yet we are the oldest profession for a reaso